Cole vs. Commercials

I know it's been so long since I last blogged, but y'all are adults you can get over it. To my younger readers, I've scarred you for life and I'm sorry.

I've been watching a lot of TV recently (cause I use my time wisely) and I've noticed that I really don't commercials. It's not just that they interrupt "Design on a Dime", its because they lie to me. Lend me your ears...

Top 5 Ways Commercials Lie

1. Chefs
There are three commercials I can think of right now that blatantly lie about the kitchen staff.
Theres the Taco Bell one where the black Iron Chef is doing half cooking, half Cirque de Soleil while making a flat bread. Ok, I've seen the guys who work in the back at Taco Bell, I'm sure y'all have too. They look more likely to be facing the three strike rule, or studying for their second crack at the GED than to be doing knife tricks with cheese blocks.
Then there's the one about Red Lobster that has the girl and the guy chef talking to you as their making lobster stuffed steak (nothing says 'high class' like Frankenstein food). The first problem I have is those people are wayyyyyy to good looking to be working at Red Lobster cooking food, no sale. Second, that kitchen looks like it's the size of some houses I've seen, and Gordon Ramsey himself couldn't find one problem with it. If that's what every Red Lobster kitchen looked like on the inside, I doubt you'd be able to find an 8 dollar steak there.
Finally, the Lindt chocolate commercial where we watch some overly happy chocolate maker whisk this chocolate around like it's his very own version of heaven (seriously, if you've seen that commercial, he's looking at that chocolate in a way that if the truffle was a child - I'm calling child services). Also, those horrible Lindt truffles are pumped out in some factory in Peru. If those are being made by hand - hire better cooks.

2.Walmart Ads
Walmart just announced that it's bringing layaway back for the holidays. So they have these ads where  these people shopping are hoping layaway is back, so they can buy all the things that their children want for Christmas. Only, the people in these commercials are dressed like they own Rodeo Dr. Ummmmm...there's an entire website dedicated to how crazy the people at Walmart look, why don't we put a guy who came in wearing a duck shaped floaty on the commercial? Or a woman who is apparently wearing her anorexic daughter's tube top to the store? These are the real people of Walmart, not some dude wearing a watch that costs more than my rent.

3. ANYONE in an Airplane
NO. No no no no no. No one travels well. I'm sorry, that's a fact. Plenty of people like to travel. And some people are really good at it. But lets get serious for a second with each other - no one is having a good time on an airplane. The air feels like you're under the covers and someone just farted. The seats are tiny (given I'm a giant) but no one has ever sat down in those seats and gone, "Wow, I hope we're delayed so I can sit here another 9 hours." People on planes in commercials are smiling and stretching out and getting free bags of chips. In reality people are just waiting until the roof flies off and wondering if flapping their arms will really help, cause in the event of a "water landing" those little bubble slides are helping exactly no people.

4. Diet Drinks
They don't taste the same. Stop pretending that they do. Stop trying to make them taste the same. If you're on a diet you've already decided that you're not going to eat anything worth eating - so you're not gonna be let down when Diet Dr Pepper tastes like dirt with bubbles. And yes, I get that people love Diet Coke, but that doesn't mean it tastes good. People love crack too, but I'm not begging for a hit. If I see one more commercial talking about how this newest zero calorie drink tastes just like its horrible, sugar-poisoning counterpart...well I'm not really going to do anything. I might mute the TV (but that button on the remote always takes like ten tries before it finally works).

5. Customer Service
Basically the same deal as airplanes. No one smiles when getting phone calls from angry customers. "Well Cole, what about when people call with a compliment?" WHAT? We're a society who thinks McDonalds is too slow, so we opt for the drive-through. There's no way in hell we're going to stop and call Time Warner to tell them that their DVR service is doing a really good job. And I'm tired of seeing a bunch of women in well lit offices dressed like they're sponsored by Banana Republic in these commercials. Half the time I call one of the lines, I get a guy with an Indian accent telling me his name is Frank and saying, "I'm berry happy to be helping with you."


I guess my point is that I'm tired of the lies. Just shoot us straight - gimme a kid with pimples scooping a ladle full of chicken mush into a flatbread and throwing it into the microwave, maybe it'll make me think twice about going next time. Give me the crying baby on the flight for 5 hours and the iPad that ran out of battery cause I forgot to charge it last night. Give me someone taking a long gulp from a Diet Snapple and spitting it into their dates face. Give me a guy with a beard painted red, white and blue searching the city block that is Walmart for a person to help them layaway a crossbow. Give me an angry black woman yelling into a phone assuring the customer that him throwing a basketball at their satellite is not her problem. These are real ads. Real ads for real people. That's the dream I dream.

Also less cancer.