"Abduction" Review

Today, after my short day at the field, I went out and saw Taylor Lautner's new film, "Abduction". I didn't want to see it, in fact about a month ago I tweeted that I hoped no one ever saw it. But I was in the mood to see a movie and "Abduction" had got a score on Rotten Tomato of 4%. I had to see to it now. I thought, if nothing else, I would just "review" it for you guys. So without further adont here's my rundown of the human train wreck called "Abduction".


So this movie is about Taylor Launter who plays a high school kid named Nathan who is a "wild child" and has a feeling the he's a stranger in his own life. He also has anger problems and insomnia, so he has to see a shrink. He's also super in love with the girl who lives across the street. 

So the movie opens with Lautner riding on the hood of a truck down a highway. Apparently the audience is supposed to think this is cool and that Lautner's so crazy that this is what he does. Him and his friends go to a party where they talk to no one else but themselves the whole time. The only other time Lautner makes any sort of contact with anyone else besides his two guy friends is when he tough talks his neighbor's weird boyfriend. The two of them square off and almost fight but luckily the girl gets between the two of them and nothing happens - WHEW. BTW, Taylor Lautner trying to look tough is adorable. It's like seeing your puppy growl at a butterfly.

Anyway, so after the party Lautner wakes up on the lawn with his shirt off (2 minutes of movie has passed and this idiot is already topless, I suppose it's in his contract) and starts to help picking up from the party. As he's picking up garbage, his dad comes by and brings him home. Once they're home, the dad puts on boxing gloves and trains with Lautner in the back yard. 'Training' consists of them basically slap fighting, but the director has decided to max out the sound effect volume so it sounds like they're having a war of epic proportions. Then his mom breaks them up but grounds him for a month because he was out all night and didn't call.

The next day Lautner just stares at the girl he's stalking in the hall way, and she is getting really creeped out about it. Then in class the two of them get put together on a project, and the girl makes a face like she just got sentenced to a jail term. 

The project they have to do is about missing children and they find out that Lautner is really living with fake parents. He even asks his mom if she's his real mom and she says she's not - he then "cries". Right after this, two bad men come to the door and shoot the mother and father (who it turns out were undercover CIA agents). 

Lautner runs away but then goes back when he realizes that his neighbor is in the house cause she was coming over for the project. He goes back and kills one of the Russian black ops guys who was gonna shoot Karen (that's his neighbors name). Luckily, cause his dad taught him to fight and he wrestles at school, he's able to overpower a Russian special forces combatant - as you do. Right when Lautner asks who the guy is, the guy informs that he can't say cause there's a bomb in the oven. 

Remember, this guy was sent there to kill Lautner, but he wanted to quickly tell him that there's a bomb in the oven (never mind how the HELL a bomb got there). So Lautner and Karen dive in the pool and the entire house explodes. It's a great bomb, blows up an entire house. Then rubble from the explosion fall into the pool and Karen juts a cut on her shoulder.

So the two of them go to the hospital because Karen has a cut on her shoulder. Lautner calls 911 and instead of the police, the CIA picks up. Apparently they had a tap on 911 line, where it would magically know that if Lautner called, it would just be redirected to the CIA. 

Also, the mean Russian guy who sent the assassins the Lautner's house in the first place is now staying in a hotel room with his team, and they have a tap on the CIA's call. They're apparently really good with computers or something, who knows for sure?

Anyway - Lautner gets freaked out by the CIA guy and doesn't trust him. Then magically his therapist shows up to save him and get him out of the hospital. There is negative reason why she would ever know he's there, but maybe she has ESP or something. He gets Karen (cause if you really love someone you should take them on the journey when people with guns are chasing YOU). The therapist tells Lautner that she's a friend of his real father's and that she is also a member of the CIA, and the guy that he just spoke to on the phone is her old boss and not to be trusted. The only two people in the world that he should trust are his dad and some other guy who I don't remember his name. I wondered why Lautner was deciding to trust her, and also why she didn't put herself on her own trust list. 

Then they start getting chased by the CIA, cause the CIA is everywhere and can easily find cars in the backroads on Pennsylvania whenever they want. His therapist says she's gonna slow down just enough for the two of them to jump out and then she'll cause a distraction so they can slip away. It turns out that by "slow down just enough for you to jump out" means stop and then shout things out of the car before you drive away.

Luckily, the plan works and Lautner and Karen escape into the woods where Lautner decides they have to get into the river. This is based on nothing, but get into the river anyway. Apparently they're in the river for about 4 minutes because immediately after getting in, they're back running through the forrest again and now they're cold cause they're wet. Lautner goes and steals blankets from a gypsy woman in the forrest, marking the first time they split up (which is always the best idea when you're being hunted). 

So after jumping in the river, they decide to take a nap in the largest clearing they could possibly find cause after all - they've been on the run for at least 5 hours now, and they're super tired. If you're wondering if Lautner took the "were both cold" excuse to do the super awkward side shuffle right next to Karen -- he totally did. 

So they spend the rest of the night sleeping in the clearing right next to the river, and luckily the CIA and the Russians took the night off of looking for them cause I'm thinking hunting dogs could have found them in about 15 minutes. 

It is at this point in the movie when we finally find out that the whole reason the CIA and the Russians want Lautner so bad is that his dad apparently stole a list from the Russians that contains the names of a bunch of politicians who have sold secrets to the other side. And the Russians figure if they can kidnap the kid they can leverage it for the list so the CIA wants to protect him.

When Lautner and Karen wake up they hitch hike to the apartment where Lautner's therapist tells them to go and hide out. It turns out that the apartment is Lautner's fathers place and Karen decides to make a call. Apparently the CIA answering during the hospital call taught no one anything. Shocker - the CIA picks up the call (and the Russians are again listening in) and now Lautner has to leave the apartment cause they know where he is. 

So they take the car and go to grave site of his real mother because he found the address in his father's house. They get there and she's dead (its a grave yard) but there are new flowers at the grave. Karen pushes up her boobies and uses her feminine wiles to seduce the person who works the desk at the grave yard to see where the flowers came from. Apparently they have a database that all grave-flowers are tracked through. 

When Lautner's mother's name is put into the computer, this alerts both the CIA and the Russians who had flagged it (luckily no one had typed "Linda Price" into a computer ever before, so that worked). Now Lautner is on the move again, he wants to go track down the person that sent flowers to his mom because it's one of the people his therapist had put on the trust list. 

So they can't drive because the car is "hot" by this point, and they can't fly because they would be on no-fly lists. So they go BACK to Pittsburgh and his buddy (who makes fake IDs) has made them 3 IDs EACH for different states - he makes IDs REALLY fast. Now, with these fake ID's they decide to get on a train (I don't know why they didn't just get on a plain now that they have fake identities, but who cares). 

So they get on the train and one of the Russian thugs has followed them on by tracking the car (because you can track any car anywhere just be having the license plate). So Lautner and Karen get into their little room on the train and start going at it. Apparently the excitement got to them, and they simply had to make out and throw each other around the room. Before the actual deed goes down, Karen gets her head on straight and says that they need food. So she goes out and gets some - by herself (this is the second time they split up). 

The Russian guy kidnaps her and she tells him what room Lautner is in. Then Lautner and him have a fight and during this fight he realizes that his father had been training him the whole time, not just being an abusive jerk as he originally thought. Apparently this allows him to forgive his fake parents for never telling him they weren't his real parents. So, with his high school wrestling training, he defeats his second black forces agent and throws him out the train window. 

At this point, the CIA apparently has found out where they are stop the train. Who knows how they knew - maybe they used the therapist's ESP magic. So Lautner gets off the train with Karen and the run off into the woods again. 

Magically, the CIA are on the same road the two of them are walking down and they get stopped. As they're running away the CIA guy points out that no one has guns, and that they're there to help. Lautner at first is uneasy, but then the CIA guy says, "You've been running for 22 hours. You must be hungry. Let me get you a burger and a shake." Apparently Lautner's fake dad taught him how to fight but not how to resist strange men who offer you treats to get in their car. So, after 22 hours of running and killing two people - Lautner and Karen decide to surrender over fast food. 

The CIA guy explains to Lautner what's happening and Lautner realizes that he's had the list the whole time, because he stole a cell phone from his dad's apartment and the list is on the phone. However, the  Russians have figured out where they are, and kill every CIA agent who was supposed to be working as security. However, after successfully killing half a dozen agents, they miss the one shot that counts and Lautner slips out the back door. I don't know why after staging a full scale breach they didn't put anyone on "guard the back door" duty, but these guys aren't the best group in the world. 

So Lautner and Karen are now all alone, and after stealing a car to get away from the diner shoot out (he can steal cars now) he goes back into the city. On the way to the city he tells Karen everything he just learned from the CIA guy and then receives a call from the head Russian. "Funny how cell phones can be turned into listening devices. Give me the list or I'll kill everyone you know."

It IS funny how remotely you can turn a cell phone into a listening device. That's probably the same kind of technology they used to get a wire tap on the CIA. 

So now Lautner is in a hard way and tells the Russian guy that he'll give him the list, but they have to meet at a public place. It turns out that this place is the Pirates game. Lautner gets his friend to give him tickets and bring him a Clemente jersey and Karen a hat. Reminder - this is the same friend that made them 6 ID's like 14 hours ago, maybe this guy wants a little bit more than friendship.

So Lautner goes into the game (by himself, the third time they split up) and gets a call from his real father who tells him that he has to back off because he can't win but he's also proud because he's seen seasoned agents that wouldn't have been able to handle what's been going on the past day. It is at this point I think we should get better agents, cause the kid didn't really do all that much. 

So the Russians show up, and I forget how, but the CIA knows they're there and show up too. Lautner and the Russian sit down next to each other and the Russian asks for the list, Lautner reaches under the seat where a gun has been taped - how did it get there? Who knows. Maybe his magic friend did it, even though I don't know how that's possible. As he's reaching for the gun, the Russian guy tells him that he was the one that killed his real mother and this story makes Lautner put the gun back, cause he wants to "hear about his parents". 

When the Russian is done telling the story, Lautner reaches for the gun again but it's not there!! BUM BUM BUUUUUUM. The Russian guy stole it! While he was eating popcorn! Cause he's magic!

So now he has the gun and demands the list from Lautner, but Lautner escapees by knocking the popcorn up in the air and running away. The Russian, who is a trained assassin, top secret agent, and black ops expert is not expecting this and Lautner loses him in the crowd. 

Lautner calls his dad while he's hiding in a shop and his dad tells him to bring the Russian outside the stadium by the south parking lot because, "I'm here." Lautner decides to trust someone that he's never met and has no way of knowing is his real father in the first place and lures the Russian guy out of the stadium. 

The Russian finally catches Lautner and points the gun at him (from 200 yards) so Lautner stops. They tough talk a little bit, and have some back and forth banter before Lautner's father finally takes the shot and kills the bad Russian guy. At this point the CIA shows up and arrest Lautner for stealing the list or something. 

BUT WAIT. The CIA guy's boss shows up and it turns that he has been selling secrets the whole time and one of the reasons he wanted the list so bad was because he wanted to protect himself. So now the CIA guy gets arrested and Lautner is free again. 

Lautner's dad calls him and tells him that they're never going to see each other (thanks for the call dad). Then Karen shows up out of no where, apparently she knew where he was going to be, and to top it off the therapist shows up again (maybe Lautner has a tracking device on him somewhere). So now that he has no family, the therapist says she can live with him for as long as he wants, and that apparently makes everything better. 

However, instead of going home with the therapist, he goes back to the game and him and Karen have a heart to heart about how he's "ready for her now" and "what a great first date it was". 

That's how the movie ends. With them kissing in an empty ball park after the game. Apparently now that he has a foster mother/therapist/ex CIA agent to live with, the fact that the people who raised him and his birth mother being dead are fine. Also the fact that his father is alive and well but doesn't ever want to see him is fine - because now he has a girlfriend. 

Basically, if it weren't for this blog, I would have walked out in the first 10 minutes. Today was a long one, and I'm sorry, but if you're still reading go ahead and leave a comment, or email me a question (colecook.soc@gmail). Have fun out there