The Questionnaire

Hello people. Sorry for the lack of post yesterday (I know a lot of people were really let down by that). I was having a tough day and basically didn't feel like writing anything. Also, if I had, I'm sure the only things I could have come up with were boring and self involved and weepy - so I spared you all the time.

That said, yesterday did turn itself around when I decided to give myself a little taste of home by heading to Islands for dinner. For those of you who aren't aware or familiar with the chain, its basically a sports bar with a tropical theme, nothing too special, but they have a lot of them around my house in LA and they happen to make my favorite cheeseburger in the world. So I headed over there to watch a little bit of whatever game was on and have a delicious burger before the X Factor came on (which I was REALLY impressed with).

ANYWAY....I digest.... when I got to Islands, I noticed the welcomer/seater person was filling out some sort of questionnaire and it piqued my interest. I asked her what it was and she said that there was a waitress there who needed to get people to fill these out for the beauty school she was attending for an assignment. Sensing an opportunity to make myself laugh (which, if you know me, is pretty much why I do everything), I offered to fill one out as well. "Sam" was more than happy to xerox off a copy for me, and I made my way to the bar to fill it out while I waited for my food to be cooked.

*I swear to dog, every part of this is real. I even took a picture of the top part to prove it. In the following, the questions are in bold, and my responses are in plain text. Enjoy*


Name
Cole Cook
(The urge for me to put a funny name down was almost overpowering, but I figured I might as well be truthful - at least about this.)

Have you ever had a professional hair service? Why or why not?
No. I've been super busy.
(I like the follow up "why or why not?"  here. I would think the reason someone has gotten professional hair service before would be abundantly obvious. And if they hadn't they probably just don't want to.)

What are your hair care concerns or goals? What do you like about your hair? What do you wish you could change or improve?
My goal is to have the Queen of England Knight my hair.
(I ran out of space to answer the the follow-up questions. But I like the fact that they asked what "goals" I have for my hair. Do people usually have hair goals? Is that common? "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" "Well, happily married. Maybe some kids. A nice ponytail that I tie yellow bows in.")

What appointment time works best for you?
4:28 AM.
(What?!?! This ins't available?!?! Wwwwellllll, I should say I'm taking my hair and it's goals elsewhere!!!)

Are you interested in professional high quality hair care products? Why or why not?
Yes. When people come over to my place they will see these products and become very impressed. 
("Professional high quality hair care products". I'm sorry that George Carlin died before he could get his hands on this questionnaire; he would have had a field day. I wonder if they sell professional low quality hair care products here too. Or amateur high quality ones - I could see the possibilities being almost endless. Finally, sweet use of punctuation.)

When you visit a hair salon for service, how would you prefer I tell you about product recommendations? (Do you feel genuine advice on home care is pushy?)
In an ideal world, I would have you give me the advice in a foreign language that I haven't heard since the death of my birth parents, and have therefore repressed.
(Number 1 - "when you visit a hair salon for service" WHY ELSE ARE PEOPLE GOING TO HAIR SALONS? Is this a hair salon like "Barbershop" where people just hang out and yell at each other? Do you often have people just window shopping for the "in" hair style? Number 2 - "do you feel genuine advice on home care is pushy?" Why did you have to specify that this advice was genuine? Were you having a rash of stylists giving out disingenuous advice? Maybe it was all the window shoppers polluting the delicate minds of your patrons with pushy, disingenuous advice.......is there nothing sacred anymore?)

Are you more likely to come in for services when a special is going on? (Tell them about monthly specials)
If the special involves some sort of magic show, then yes.
(It is at this point in reading the questionnaire to myself that I realize that "Sam" was supposed to be reading this to me. I think she's gonna be disappointed that she skirted this responsibility after she's read my answers. MUHAHAHAHA)

How do you feel about tipping? (Tell them we are a no tipping facility; remind them the best tip while in school is a referral, or a happy, returning guest)
When it comes to tipping, I always follow Anne Boleyn's old adage, "No one better come in here when I'm changing, or I'm gonna lose my head!"
(She really shoulda read this to me. I would have tipped her on the spot just to hear her remind me that she doesn't want money - and instead she wants me to tell my friends or come back more often and not tip each time.)

Do you have any family members or friends who enjoy professional salon services? Who?
Cousin Mitch. Aunt Regina. Bob from the 7-11. Murray. Both my Nebraska cousins. The lady on the elevator and Jennifer Aniston.
(This question starts off terribly and then just gets so much worse with, "who?" WHO? Really? You want to know who they are? Are you gonna track them down? Call them at home? I understand the purpose of every other one of these questions, but this one makes no sense to me. I don't get it, except to make the person who is supposed to be reading these questions to me seem like the biggest stalker EVER.)

Th-th-th-tha-tha-tha-thats all folks! Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Have a good one - follow the blog, follow me on Twitter (@C_M_Cook) and have fun out there.